Life mirrored by tarot- finding myself

It’s funny how life mirrors the inner landscape- its been happening a lot recently.

I spent a weekend totally giving more than I had, or wanted to. Went to leave- and my car battery was flat. My husband is compulsive about maintaining our cars. In 17 years of marriage that has never happened.

Last night I was catching up on the Handmaid’s Tale (no spoilers!) after a brutal episode of June praying in the hospital room she finds her sanity again and says “I think I got a little lost”. That is exactly how I feel about the last few months.

I work full time as a tarot reader, teacher and shaman. I love, love, love my work but it had started to become “overflowing”. By which I mean work spilt into every moment.

I was answering emails, or checking social media when I was with my family. I was reading business or healing books when I thought I was relaxing. When I wasn’t with my family I was planning, writing, exploring different ideas I wanted to expand in the business and my own spiritual development.

Part if the problem lies in running a busy home with 4 home educated children- there is no pause from work to on the go Mum. I step out of work space into “Mum……” (add want ever demand, question, or problem you want) and my life was a whirl of work/mum/mum/work with never a moment to pause.

I was very much in a 5 of wands kind of place. Addicted to the high energy of always doing, creating, building- but often creating problems and dramas to ensure I was on “full alert”. The adrenalin rush (and caffeine) kept me going. I was in constant “on” position- and if anything threatened that high energy drive then I created problems, or accepted things into my life that I knew would be challenging, to keep that adrenalin high.

I often felt that if I allowed my self to really switch off I would never find the energy to switch back on again.