Seeing my life through tears

Last weekend I enjoyed & endured another weekend of my shamanic healing course.

It included an introduction to family constellation work. I need to add we are not being trained to hold constellations- we are experiencing a number of different approaches to help us weave together our own understanding.

I have NO experience of this work at all, but happily put myself down as volunteer, all experiences are an opportunity to grow after all.

Various members of the group were chosen to represent me, family members, emotions that are expressed within my family.

I sat silently (weeping) and watched my family dynamic play out before my eyes.

I gave no direction, no advice, would probably have been incapable of saying anything.

Yet these people seemed to express- with body & words exactly what I knew to be true about myself, and my family.

I saw the best and worst of myself, physically illustrated by people standing up and feeling drawn to express the two emotions that dominate my life.

I saw the body language of the person chosen to represent me change, and the words she said were exactly the words in my head.

My constellation was influenced by the focused work of the weekend, the ancestors, and was tightly drawn around myself & my biological parents.

After some deep emotions were expressed by my players I saw my biological father walk away. To him I am meaningless, as I have always understood. Sometimes acceptance is a true gift.

I saw a gentle warming between my Mother & I, as we each tried to understand the other a little better.

Honestly, I still can not understand how these people could represent my emotional life with such raw honesty that it hurt to watch. It took a while to be able to understand how much it helped me to appreciate the best and worst of my life.

It was one of the most difficult, uncomfortable & challenging experiences of my life. And yet I felt safe, contained, respected, loved.

It has fundamentally changed me in ways I am still learning.