My first meeting of "rage" Loki
So, I am back from my small annual lokk-seidr retreat in the barns, and yet again I am reeling at how deep we went. I plan to write a couple of blogs- sharing both my personal experience, and a little of the group’s journey too. This is a deeply personal blog of one of my shamanic journeys.
I set a vague focus for the weekend - exploring the concepts of seidr (that right brain shamanic sort of “knowing”) and galdr (left brain, logical, working through to an answer.) This seemed perfect as I am very seidr, and my co-host is very galdr, and perhaps we are both better when we embrace both ways of working. I decided the deities Loki (who we usually work with in October) and Tyr could represent this duality really well.
I had been slightly anxious about how I would experience the shamanic work, I have had a lot of headaches, and some exhaustion before the weekend- which felt like the foreshadowing of deep healing.
I could feel Loki as soon as I called upon him as I opened sacred space- but this was a different Loki for me. This was rage Loki, recently unfettered Loki. Honestly the hit of energy was sublime- I felt it in my heart, like an exploding sun, the joy, anger, and power all creating a cohesive whole, but also the rejection, the trick that had been played upon him, the INJUSTICE of it all- like the sharpest of darts in all that power.
As the chant lifted and dropped, I sat with that feeling, feeding off it, expanding into it. Surprised and delighted to be meeting this side of Loki for the first time. The chant shifted- it morphed into a sound I call “grief”. A wailing to the Norns, a chat I use with clients to pull sadness to the surface, and the sadness underneath Loki’s rage washed over me.
Then I saw myself energetically, roughly four years ago, wrapped in the chains of my husband's abuse and control. It was a shocking insight into how far I had slipped into that state, it's amazing how much we forget. I remembered things that I had consciously packed away, and the chant was now my grief washing through me.
Interwoven through my grief was the loss of my protector, my guide, Frey. In the last month I had been urged to “step away” from Frey, with a sense his role in my life was restrictive, not supportive. And I was confused by this. Since the first time I met him-with those eyes that seem to open to other worlds, he has been by myside. I felt paralysed by the isolation of looking back at my pain, yet totally alone.
Then Frey stepped forward, and I realised I was chained to him not my ex-husband. My grief turned to rage. Exploding out, larger and louder than I would have thought possible. A simple thought was concrete in my mind. If you have done me harm, beguiled me to fetter me, I walk away now. No shaman, no runes, no Stav, I am done. I lost memory at that point- but the next thing I saw was a key in my hand. I undid the chains, and they dropped away- leaving me unsettled at how my energetic state even now, is still shaped by my marriage. Frey didn’t need to say anything, his eyes said it all- I had the key to these chains all along, I didn’t know how to be free of chains, so Frey stepped in to take that role. He held my space, my rage, my despair, whilst I had the power all along. I don’t have words to express my gratitude for such a perfect act- to hold with such care, but to take no power from me. He stepped in as he knew I needed this, but the key to these chains was always with me.
I felt good at this point, really good. But… Loki’s rage was still burning inside me.
I walked off, there was one person I needed to speak to. Someone I needed to confront. I found him, as I usually do, sat by a tree smoking a pipe, hat dipped over one eye. “What the fuck is going on, and how much more did I sign up for?” my words sang out in pure rage, not words but a push of emotion. “Answers, now”. Odin never actual gives up anything for pure rage, we both knew that, but I felt better for it, and we both knew that too. “You have everything you asked for, and I think the price remains fair” was his answer- and he got up and walked away. As usual, I think he is right.
The chant was still weaving, I had chanted, and journeyed, and wept, and the group was still there, and we were still in the barns. I had a last glimpse of Frey, smiling, and realised that I had needed to let go of him, but it didn’t mean he was walking away from me. Our relationship had shifted and was the better for it.
Possibly the hardest part of my role is to shift from being totally absorbed in my work, to gently hold space for the group. But that is the value of community. I may be “leading” but am I so very well supported by my community it really isn’t a heavy role. I called everyone back, gently encouraging people to re-connect with their physical selves, the barns, this time, this space. Then lead them off once more into the shamanic lands- this time with voice and drum instead of chant.
I can still feel “rage” Loki at my side, and as I worked more deeply with my patrons; Val-Freya and Hel, I felt their rage too. It has not felt safe to feel anger for a long time in my life. “Anger issues” are when we do not express anger in an appropriate way, whether too much, or too little. Loki is helping me to step into feeling safe enough to feel anger. I’m not sure how that will work out yet, but I feel better knowing I will still have Frey at my side.
After the chanting, and the drumming, over a cup of tea something niggled in my brain. I do have an odd way of pulling rune facts out of my unconscious, I knew there was a God we would call on to break free of fetters- but I couldn’t find the answer, even though I knew it. So, I asked my friend “remind me- the God of breaking free of fetters?”
The answer was simple “Frey”.