As a Tarot reader I am humbled by the emotionally intimate side of my work. I often get to see people at their rawest, most vulnerable, in their deepest pain. Here is a small glimpse into my emotional world....
My working week is fairly stable now- with a regular pattern to most weeks of pre-booked clients, emergency clients, shaman & tarot work.
One Monday at the start of September I looked at my diary and had one booking for the whole week. Other than holidays It is a couple of years since this happened. It felt strange, as if something was in the air- but I was quite happy to focus on writing my book, updating my website and the like, and thought maybe it was just a natural pause.
On the Tuesday I did my regular Facebook live- a little tarot chat and free three card readings for as many as I can manage. I felt quite ill during the live- both hot and cold. Afterwards I felt spaced out, ungrounded. I even texted a friend to tell him how odd I felt.
I walked in the lounge to find my husband waiting to tell me- news that is too private to share- but was personally devastating. I never realised that heart break was a physical feeling. Dimly at the back of my mind I grasped the lack of bookings was a fore-shadowing of this moment. The universe was well aware of what was unfolding.
Various clients have asked “did you know this was coming?” and the answer is- I knew something was, and I knew it involved my husband.
For about eight months now in almost every reading I did for myself, whatever the question, the card I associate with my husband was there somewhere- and often with no other connection to the reading. It was as if the cards were letting me know something was coming. I did ask what this meant but the cards were never clear. I do not believe the future is fixed- maybe at that time it was still in flux. Maybe it would have been too painful to see this before hand. Sometimes I think parts of the future are shielded to help us better live in the present.
After my darkest of days, I literally do feel as if my heart broke, I realised pretty quickly that trying to understand or predict using the tarot was a complete non- starter. I was not in the midframe to look at any card objectively (for myself anyway). I was completely fixated on mending my life and every spread was me demanding the cards showed me how to achieve this.
So I took a deep breath, and each day I pulled three cards and asked “what do I need to know today- for my own highest good” Now the cards spoke of grief (5 cups), friendship (3 cups), finding peace (4 swords), spending time with my children (6 cups) and in almost every spread- the 6 of swords.
I have spent A LOT of time with this card. I sat with it when I could not sit with my own thoughts or emotions, I have used it to try and find real understanding about my life when in fact I felt as if my world was shattered.
What I came to focus on was the soft blue colours of the landscape the boat is headed for.
They seem uncertain, unclear, not quite manifested. Yet the boat is headed for calmer waters.
This is the card that has helped me live in the moment, breathe when I though breathing was impossible, and understand the future is not understandable- but it is there.
This is the card that told me clearly to stop trying to manage the future, and live in each moment.
It is a painful journey, nothing is mended nor broken. I am simply living each moment as best I can.