The last week or two I have been stalked by the Tower & the 9 of swords.
I know, I know "there are no bad cards in tarot" I say that myself to clients. But lets be honest- stalked by the Tower & the 9 of swords isn't my idea of abundance, joy & blessings.
I tried to overlook that they were there, but their regularity, for every question, became a little too obvious. I am great at being objective for other people. Standing in a well balanced way & helping you to appreciate that this can be managed in a positive way.
But when it's me, and my life, it is very hard to be objective.
After a while I stopped trying to understand what their message was, and appreciate the energy they represented. I sat & gazed at the two cards. When I am reading for others & difficult combinations crop up I place more emphasis on the difficult cards. Clients want a heads up of difficulties, and how to handle them. When I'm reading for myself I tend to try & overlook the difficult cards and see the positive.
So I really sat with the two cards, and boy did I feel my anxiety rise up in me. Honestly, my heart was racing as I gazed at the 9 of swords & I felt quite ill. My work as a shaman involves watching the micro signs in my clients body to see how they are processing the inner work. I was shocked at how ill I felt gazing at the 9 of swords. It was a wake up card that doubts, anxiety, stress was building up- and as usual I was blasting through this through over work & the liberal use of caffeine. So I acknowledged that I was feeling stress, and handling it badly.
Then I moved to the Tower. The Tower is change, unexpected change. And I associate the suit of swords with the mind. So I began to explore the associations of the Tower with the mind.
The feeling of falling, release, breaking free of the 2 figures.
The lightening blasting away the restrictive crown at the top of the tower "crowning, or defining thought patterns" came to mind when combined with the 9 of swords.
So I felt a little more at ease. I believed these two cards were talking about psychological breakthrough- which certainly can be hard- but It felt very worthwhile.
The breakthrough started quite slowly, a gradual awareness that I worked too hard, had dodgy boundaries, accepted too little. I agreed to take a complete break over the Easter weekend, and there on Saturday morning was an email reading from a regular client. I normally try & read the next day- & I was trying to work out how I could steal away from the family and do this reading to "meet my obligations". I started to feel anxious, my heart was racing- and I thought that is my 9 of swords. I emailed the client, explained I was taking the weekend off & would read for her on Tuesday. As soon as I had sent the email I felt a great sense of relief. I realised how much pressure I had been placing on myself. Of course the client emailed back, wished me a happy Easter, and was more than happy. This was all my anxiety.
I must have been looking quite over-wrought with all this inner processing. My husband bought me a cup of tea, said I looked exhausted, and that he would cook the roast dinner on Sunday. Now if you've read any of my posts about my husband you'll know. He's a lovely guy, great Father. But he doesn't really do housework or cooking, they are I'm afraid "woman's work" (don't get mad- I knew he was like that when I married him).
I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. Really, he though I looked a bit tired & was going to cook. This didn't happen, what had changed in him? It took a while to realise- nothing had changed in him, I had changed. I had created a world where I always did more than was a fair exchange in a crap way of feeling better about myself. But the combination of working, home schooling, and running a home had reached breaking point, and I was now creating better boundaries. He is a caring and surprisingly sensitive person (don't mention that to him though) and had picked up on how I had changed.
And so now the 9 of swords & Tower have moved on, and I am very very glad. Our marriage has shifted slightly- as I allow him to do more. I am creating better boundaries with my clients. Now if I can get the kids to help more around the house life will be pretty good.
But seriously, those cards did terrify me & the outcome was a small, yet seismic shift in my psyche. Much needed, and the whole of life feels slightly better for going with the change rather then working through it propped up by caffeine.
(And think I may be watching too much Dr Who- but has any one else notice the similarity between the 9 of sowrds & weeping angels)